goodbyes. i hate goodbyes. i don't do goodbyes all that well. the way they linger there, in the air. the way they penetrate my stoic frame. goodbyes. get in, get them done, get out. i am a murderer of swan songs. i am quick to drop the ball, and let it roll away. and later cry into my empty hands. i hate goodbyes. because they are so hard. and even harder to swallow. i tend to ignore what i can't accept. what i know i can't emotionally handle. i haven't always been this way.
long ago and far away i fought, fought, fought to hold on to what i believed in. to what i wanted. to what i loved. but fighting just got so exhausting. and i kept losing. and eventually i was the only one to keep showing up. so now i get out of dodge. i drop my hands to my sides. i roll over. there are too many wars, these days, anyway.
i have changed so much these past 6 months. and not in a way that's worth saying. in ways that astound me. in ways that mug me on late night walks home. in ways that take me for all i have, and leave me with no form of id. no traces of anything.
i don't know if i'm a softer person or a harder one. if i'm more of one, because i'm more of the other. i don't know. i don't know that it matters. i feel good, for the mostpart.
but i still hate goodbyes. i keep them brief. i make no promises. i just close my eyes and say goodnight. and i listen as the door closes in the dark.
goodbyes suck. :(
Posted by: jon | Friday, May 11, 2007 at 09:32 AM