the train pulls out of the station past advertisements on the subway walls. slowly passing by the wide and barren windows. and we are subsiding on passing glaces. passing glances at billboards and baseboards and bars with people and dim lights and our reflections in their windows. all these passing glances.
we are so guarded. we are so safe and protected we don't see much of ourselves through the thick of it all. we harness what makes us vulnerable and what makes us vulnerable is usually what makes us great. what makes us whole. we are so afraid to open the windows that are around us. the windows from which we safely watch the world slowly pass by. avdertisements plastered on the subway walls.
i come from a very passionate family. they were passionate about hating each other and protecting themselves. they were passionate about surviving dinner and throwing dishes and rising up with their fists clenched tight. they were passionate about barreling down the tracks. it is in my blood.
i've spent so much of my adult life running away from this. escaping and eluding it. fighting it. casting it down with my passion for love and laughter and kissing when it feels right. i am passionate about everything i feel and i feel everything, because it is in my blood. and in spite of all that trying and fighting, i am passionate about protecting and surviving and throwing dishes. because it is in my blood. the fight is in my blood.
so i will show up at your front door at two o'clock in the morning stone cold sober to tell you how i feel, if i feel it's right. and i will chase you down the street to prove a point, and usually underneath it all, all the dishes and fists, the point is that i love you. you just need to find it hiding there. and i don't understand why people spend so much time and energy and fear harnessing this in. keeping it so buried inside themselves they can't even find it when they know they really ought to. you react to and say how you feel, otherwise you're just lying to yourself. i will break windows, because my big fear is not saying and doing and feeling what i know i do. keeping my hands to myself at all times.
i will chase you up the street to call you an asshole. and if i don't it's because i actually think you're an asshole. it's in my blood.
it's almost a full moon. the nights are cold, again. i thrive best in these cold nights. coffee and scarves and hoodies and long walks to no where in particular. that is what i do. that is what i've done. that is who i am. i always fall in love in winter. i don't know why. i know it's supposed to be the other way around. spring. fruition. warm weather on the rise. clear skies. but not me. it's always the winter. downtown christmas lights and burying my head in the warm of someone's jacket sleeves. it's in the blood - pumping stronger, faster, hotter to stay warm. it energizes me and leaves me in my prime. stronger, faster, hotter to stay warm.
and so i hope our indian summer takes a vacation this year. and i hope the cold nights and foggy intersections and coffee shop lights burn brightly. and all these long walks and late nights. plastered on the walls around us.
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